I write for those women who do not speak, for those who do not have a voice because they were so terrified, because we are taught to respect fear more than ourselves. We’ve been taught that silence would save us, but it won’t. – Audre Lorde
Speaking very generally, I find that women are spiritually, emotionally, and often physically stronger than men. – Gary Oldman
The link below is to a post from the site of a blogger I have been following for a while. To be perfectly clear, the particular post I am responding to was not posted by Gabriel, but on his site in response to a blog he wrote about the effect of porn on human relationships; “Why Real Men Shouldn’t Fanaticize About Women”. The full post may be accessed at:
Gabriel makes some exceptionally good points regarding the detrimental effect of porn on the ability of men to having loving, realistic relationships with women. I would also point out that his points should also apply to women and their addictions to porn – yes, it is out there, we just don’t talk about it is all. Women can become just as addicted to porn in the books they read. The typical erotica novel hero is no more realistic than the typical female porn star. And the typical male is not totally ripped while still being totally in touch with his feelings. Or totally alpha, but this whole ‘totally alpha’ thing turns my stomach anyway so we won’t go there. Does the typical “real” female truly want to be tied up and beaten and humiliated every night before they can get off? I would certainly hope not, or that would be a truly bad sign about where we are going as a society . . .
Anyway, the following is my rant. Read it or not, respond to it or not, I believe I have some solid points in response to what I believe to be a completely twisted vision of what male/female relationships should be about. And I would greatly hope I am not the only person to think this way, or I am going to be really frustrated with the whole situation!
A man who graduated high in his class at Yale Law School and made partnership in a top law firm would be celebrated. A man who invested wisely would be admired, but a woman who accomplishes this is treated with suspicion. – Barbara Streisand
The following is my particular rant, and doesn’t reflect on Gabriel in any way, but to the post by Dota on July 30, 2013 at 4:56 PM. You can scroll down to see the comment.
This is the post:
This is indeed a good article and you’ve raised several good points. Porn does destroy self confidence and is ultimately a destructive and self defeating activity.
I believe (as you do) that most men today view porn because they cannot seem to respect women. While I agree with you that men should ultimately respect women, I do not believe that the modern North American woman makes it easy to respect her. Our grandfathers never objectified women because women back then made excellent mates, nurturing and loyal. Today’s North American/Western European woman is an overgrown child with ADD who is lacking in character, moral fiber, basic etiquette, and over all integrity. Today’s women want to participate in behaviours that were unacceptable 5 decades ago (drinking/smoking/cussing in public) but still want men to respect them in the way our grandfathers respected their women.
I think the juncture where we disagree is that you believe porn makes men disrespect women, and this is true to some extent. I believe that 5 decades of Feminism has made the modern woman so undesirable, that most men gravitate towards porn as a result.
But porn is indeed a cancer upon society and one that seems to be winning.
Hold the phone! Wait just a moment. Back up. You have GOT to be kidding me! What planet do you live on? They must do some really interesting drugs there . . .
Have you really READ history, or do you live in a la-la land of “Leave It To Beaver”? Where women wore house-dresses and high heels to cook and clean and said “yes dear” and had sex in the missionary position and never, NEVER, EVER had an orgasm? And drank vodka and took pills to dull the pain of being totally, unequivocally unfulfilled? Where women of intelligence and wit, instead of being college educated and reaching their potential, becoming doctors and engineers, became baby factories and domestic slaves? Who turned a blind eye while their husbands screwed their secretaries and had second families on the side while their wives pretended they didn’t know? These same women who, when their husbands died, or left them, were left with children to feed and raise, who had no skills or training to provide the money to do so?
Is the fact that I gained a Bachelor’s degree and a Masters degree and held down a corporate position reason to not respect me? Or the fact that I made my own money, was respected for my intelligence and contributions to society, to charity and to scholarly works reason to disrespect me as a woman? Maybe it is my love of 20-year-old single malt Highland Scotch and having my needs met in bed? Does that make me undeserving of respect? Or maybe it is the fact that I left a husband who expected the very things you seem to crave in a spouse – total, uncomplaining submission, while he totally controlled my access to money, who wanted to control what I wore, where I went, who I saw and whether or not I had an orgasm, just like his own father did to his mother. Does that make me unworthy of respect, when I went out on my own, got a job, a home, and gained the aforementioned degrees and personal and public respect?
How much has society lost, treating women like they would their dogs, training them to obey, to snap to commands, to fall within a narrow boundary of acceptable behaviours? What have we lost, decreeing women to be second-class citizens? Cures for cancer, diabetes, heart disease? Answers to world poverty or peace or how we are going to be able to handle overpopulation or addressing our coming energy or pollution problems? Men certainly haven’t done a bang-up job of any of that. Men are seemingly incapable of living beside one another without destroying anyone they find to be different than themselves, or to have something that they want for their own. Wars over oil, religion, land. Cultures where women and children are raped and murdered in response to rape and abuse that was out of their control. Male oriented religions that demean and objectify women, men in dresses, waving texts designed and written by men, that curtail the rights of women over even their own bodies. Societies that allow men to murder their own wives because they were taken by force and raped by a stranger or a neighbor or an “enemy”?
Wake up and smell the coffee. In your little Leave It To Beaver world, women weren’t “respected”. They were paid less even when their work product was better than a male coworker. They weren’t safe on the streets, and if anything happened to them through no fault of their own they were denied legal recourse. They were abused at home with no recourse to women’s shelters or even the comfort of family members. Their children were abused as well, and all the little perfect people you envision turned a blind eye – including family members and priests. Apparently, your vision of “respect” is putting women in “Their Place” where they bow down to you as a cook, maid, breeder and body slave.
I am old enough to remember those days, and believe me, they were NOT the gumdrops and kittens you seem to crave. Wake up. I suggest you do a bit of reading of the “non-fantastical” variety. Take a look around you at the women and children who are STILL being mistreated by men who think they own their partners, just like they own their dogs and their pickup trucks. I am willing to give a male just as much respect as he shows himself to be deserving of. I am also willing to make sure that I rip his balls off should he show me disrespect, just as I would expect to be brought to task for not showing respect for any male who showed himself to be deserving of same. The key word here is deserving. You, Dota, are not deserving of my respect, because you do not respect me. And that is the whole point – just because you have dangly junk does NOT automatically make you deserving of respect. A mans mind, heart and actions are what decide their respectability, not their Y-chromosome.
In the words of Maya Angelou;
History, despite its wrenching pain, cannot be unlived, but if faced with courage, need not be lived again.